When I loved myself enough
I penned the following in 1997 after reading Kim McMillan’s posthumously published book, When I loved Myself Enough.
Her book is a joy, a revelation and an inspiration to me.
So.
When I loved myself enough I felt as safe as a bird in a warm nest, high above the ground.
When I loved myself enough I knew I was on my way home.
When I loved myself enough I began to weep with joy.
When I loved myself enough I knew I could give myself what I’d spent a lifetime seeking from others.
When I loved myself enough my soul began to heal.
When I loved myself enough I was reawakened by hope.
When I loved myself enough the ache inside began to ease.
When I loved myself enough God held me and listened.
When I loved myself enough shame felt it was time to move on.
When I loved myself enough I tasted the sweetness of life again.
When I loved myself enough I left my crutches on the sidewalk. Someone else might need them.
When I loved myself enough I trembled with new delight.
When I loved myself enough I re-entered a state of grace.
When I loved myself enough God and I went dating.
When I loved myself enough I let go of what didn’t serve me, especially people and behaviours that kept me small.
When I loved myself enough the chattering quietened in my head.
When I loved myself enough I felt congruent. Real. I so love that feeling.
When I loved myself enough my breath came more easily.
When I loved myself enough I stopped waiting for the phone to ring.
When I loved myself enough I knew everything would be okay.
When I loved myself enough there was no need to analyse or explain myself.
When I loved myself enough my heart boomed and echoed with the rhythm of life.
When I loved myself enough I had a budding capacity to be still in the face of the chaos and disease in those around me.
When I loved myself enough I turned my house into a home.
When I loved myself enough there was music in the night of my soul.
When I loved myself enough my heart opened to the flower of gratitude.
When I loved myself enough I took time to sit with myself and listen.
When I loved myself enough my professional critic took a hike and didn’t come back.
When I loved myself enough I told people about how their words and behaviours angered and hurt me without feeling guilt or shame.
When I loved myself enough I started singing in the shower. Oh dear!
When I loved myself enough I gave up my old job and got a better one with people I admired.
When I loved myself enough I heard Spain calling me — aye, carumba!
When I loved myself enough I found the one I’d been looking for my whole life.
When I loved myself enough I felt the wisdom of my years gifted to me like the honour that they are.
When I loved myself enough I got my mother’s love all over again.
When I loved myself enough I told people about it. This is a beautiful gift to share. Try it!
When I loved myself enough the sight of aged couples holding hands cracked me open with the joy of possibility.
When I loved myself enough sunsets painted exquisite abstracts just for me.
When I loved myself enough there were no more boring bits. Life is a symphony, an opera, a playground of wondrous possibilities.
When I loved myself enough children spoke as sages — every word a precious, unheralded truth.
When I loved myself enough I surrendered the woman I’d made the love of my life. This broke our hearts but no-one else can fulfill this sacred duty.
When I loved myself enough my heart could drop the sadness it’d carried for years.
When I loved myself enough I wrote beautiful notes to myself as prayers and gifts. I dip into them to remind me of my beauty.
When I loved myself enough my life slowed down. Thump, thump, thump, my heart said. You’re alive and free and whole.
When I loved myself enough I entered the flow of the Tao. Here life is a majestic. Poetic. Perfect.
When I loved myself enough the tears of years rained down to cleanse me. Now weeping is an act of healing renewal.
When I loved myself enough I spoke to my boyish self with a father’s soothing words. ‘I’ve always loved you. You’re safe with me’, I said. ‘I’ll be here when you need me.’
When I loved myself enough nobody had the power to hurt me any more. How could they? My god is love and I am love. Nothing else belongs.
When I loved myself enough my heart trusted those biblical sheep amid bloodthirsty wolves — shrewd as serpents, innocent as doves.
When I loved myself enough sales staff at check-outs said, ‘I’m giving you an extra discount because you’re such a nice person. I never do this for pushy or rude people,’ they said. Bargain!
When I loved myself enough there was a new sweetness in my own company. I love solitude. It brings me stillness, sanity, renewal.
When I loved myself enough I stopped aching for lost lovers, lost friends, lost confidantes. Our separation is a temporal illusion. Truth is, they’re all here. Inside me, right now.
When I loved myself enough I watched the royal wedding of William and Kate. Love is a radiant truth — I saw it in their faces, their gestures, their tender whispered words.
When I loved myself enough I felt lighter, happier, calmer.
When I loved myself enough sleep and dreams came like sea-waves rushing the shore, washing in over my head.
When I loved myself enough the poet Rumi made sense. Now the spring inside has become a fountain. My begging buckets lay idle and forgotten.
When I loved myself enough I walked old bush trails to find the place that sang the sweetest. Then we sit together, harmonizing.
When I loved myself enough I came to know my heart’s exact location. We’ve never met but we know each other, intimately.
When I loved myself enough time dissolved. Ev’ry moment perfectly complete.
When I loved myself enough Whip Birds sang to me of courtship:
Do you love me? he enquired.
Girls don’t like questions, she replied.
I want you for my own, forever, he tried.
Too much. Too soon. Too forceful, she corrected.
I’m bathing in the creek down yonder, if you’d care to join me, he offered.
I bet you say that to all the girls, she said, slipping into her one-piece.
When I loved myself enough I stopped trying to please harsh critics. There’s no end to that dynamic. Now I praise every open hearted thought and deed. I am more than enough.
When I loved myself enough my body taught me how I felt. Its language is true and constant, and never fails me.
When I loved myself enough the wind whispered her secrets from the tree-tops. Be free, she breathed. Be lofty and soar to the heavens. Infinity is yours.
When I loved myself enough I let silver stubble whiten my chin. Now that the vanity of youth has faded my companion is a wise, accepting elder.
When I loved myself enough I joined old friends to dine each month. This is a simple and powerful tonic.
When I loved myself enough I was able to comfort myself, even in my moments of sadness and despair.
When I loved myself enough I quit working long hours at the office. I am a sacred being worthy of adequate rest and respite. There will be more toil tomorrow.
When I loved myself enough I stopped fretting about who and what I couldn’t influence. My life’s work is here — within me — rich opportunities aplenty!
When I loved myself enough I picked up strangers from bus stops. This is a simple act that brings incredible unexpected, happiness. Try it!
When I loved myself enough I told dear old friends why I loved them. This is a great blessing for everyone.
When I loved myself enough strangers smiled at me in the street. Had I been smiling without knowing, I wondered? Whatever, it’s a happy, delightful, accident.
When I loved myself enough I stopped pretending I knew the dark desires and motives of others. They’re just like me — doing the best they can to be safe, happy and complete.
Dan Gaffney MA, MPH Dip Ed is a teacher and author. His first book and podcast series, ‘Journey Home — Essays on Living and Dying’ was published in November 2019.
