The benefits of men’s groups
Men’s groups are places were men can learn the ‘soft skills’ of ‘humanness’ that they often miss out on during boyhood and as they move into adulthood.
People’s ideas and opinions of men’s groups are as varied as there are people but it’s safe to say most men have never attended a men’s group and few have accurate information about the benefits or purpose of a men’s group.
That’s not to say people don’t have beliefs and opinions of men’s groups. Some see them as groups for ‘new age’ men sitting around talking about their feelings. Others confuse them with the men’s rights movement involving male activists opposed to policies promoting women’s rights and equality. Some view them as groups that support men in times of crisis for mental health issues, relationships breakdowns or financial meltdowns. Some men are even directed by the judicial system to attend men’s groups as interventions as part of their rehabilitation. And in some people’s minds, men’s groups also linked with the rise of men’s sheds that provide places for men’s education and recreation or to learn hands-on crafts and skills in the company of other men.
No doubt, there are groups involving men that do serve these ends but the purpose of some men’s groups is to provide venues where men can learn the ‘soft skills’ of ‘humanness’ that they often miss out on during boyhood and as they move into adulthood. These skills include abilities sometimes called ‘emotional literacy’ and they include abilities such as deep listening, feeling and expressing emotions, speaking honestly from the heart, taking responsibility for the impacts of one’s words and actions, and learning life-purpose and leadership skills. Learning and developing these skills in the company of other men has many benefits but foremost is that men can bring these newfound skills to the way they conduct relationships in the wider world — with their children, spouses, friends, colleagues and people throughout the community.
Research and anecdote suggest that well-run men’s groups are proving grounds for these skills because they provide an antidote to many of the shaming messages boys and men learn in the absence of emotionally literate male role models during their developing years. These include messages such as: men can’t be trusted, they are toxic, aggressive, angry and most of all — according to the scholar Brené Brown — the ground-zero shaming message, ‘don’t be perceived as weak.’
Brown says shame needs three things to fester in the corners of our being: secrecy, silence and judgment. So when men begin to trust other men to speak truthfully about their lives — the good, the bad and the ugly — and start taking actions to change their ways in their intimate relationships and beyond, they learn something they can’t get anywhere else.
Of course, boys and men can witness these critical skills among women who have them, but unless they learn to be vulnerable and speak candidly in the company of men, they learn that shame is a weapon they can use against each other, a weapon that keeps them locked in secrecy and pain, afraid to tell the truth for fear of being condemned or even risking physical violence. And in a world where men wield more power than women — physical, financial, political, cultural — these shaming messages cast a die for what men believe about themselves and how they relate to everyone — men, women and children.
Brené Brown argues that we need vulnerability to find our way back to each other and this means summoning the courage to speak our deepest truths to each another. Men can and do learn the courage to be honest, vulnerable and courageous in men’s groups so they no longer have to condemn themselves with the cultural taboos and shaming messages that, regrettably, are often their inheritance as men in society. They can also learn to give each other the gift of empathy — and to say ‘me too’ — which is a powerful antidote to the secrecy, silence and judgment that keeps many men shackled in bondage to shame.
Men’s groups can also provide a venue for men to clarify their aspirations and goals, and to learn how to lead the life they truly want — or what Charles Eisenstein has called, ‘ The More Beautiful World Our Hearts Know Is Possible’. Our true calling as humans is often obscured by our roles and identities as workers and parents, and the obligations and demands of a home life, family, hobbies, and community or faith-based commitments. When we lay these aside, who are we really, and what is our deeper calling during our short time on Earth?
Finally, and importantly, men’s groups can be a place for men to lighten up and have fun, either within the group or together outside it. Men often feel bound by their traditional roles as providers and, like women, the many demands on their time in a world obsessed by multi-tasking, making money, or otherwise being ‘on task’. No wonder we often feel jaded and fatigued by our life circumstances. So, setting aside time for mindful fun and recreation can also be an important function for men who come to a men’s group.
About the author
Dan Gaffney is a teacher and author. He leads workshops and educational events and hosts a men’s group in the Blue Mountains. His new book and podcast series, Journey Home — Essays on Living and Dying was published in November 2019.
More stories on Medium Inspiration and resources How To Start And Run A Men’s Group Successfully Starting & Running a Successful Men’s Group Starting a Men’s Group
Brené Brown — Listening to shame
Brené Brown — The power of vulnerability
Originally published at https://medium.com on July 6, 2019.
